Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Mind Ramblings

Two blogs in one day?  There must not be much going on today.
And actually, no there really isn't much going on, which can be a good thing and a bad thing.  When there is nothing really going on today I am left with alone with my thoughts.

I often wonder if I have made the right choices when it comes to my education and "career" (or rather lack there of).
I am more than aware that many people in my life don't think I have.  It has been made clear to my face as well as behind my back, I'm sure.
And I mean, I don't really blame anyone.  It is a hard thing to understand (I don't even understand it fully myself), and definitely a hard thing to try and explain to people.  Especially to people who have lived their whole life with the mentality that you do what you need to to survive and that's that.  People who have worked very very hard their whole life, but never really reached for any kind of dream.  People who honestly believe that it's normal to hate your job, and that wanting a job that you actually love is way too much to ask.
I don't have that mentality.  Like I had stated in a previous blog, I have changed a ton over the last two years, and I truly believe that life doesn't have to be full of mediocrity and disappointments.  Meeting my husband has given me to much to want to live for and he has opened my eyes to the new concept that I want to enjoy everything God has given me to the fullest.  I don't want to get to the end of my life and know that the majority of it was spent doing something I absolutely hated.
And that is my long long explanation as to why I refuse to get stuck working at a job I hate, or a company that's ultimately corrupt, or even potentially job-hop, for the rest of my life.

Well.. Now that that's out of the way and off my chest...
I would like to share a small desire of mine, one that I have been toying with for a year now.  I would love to some how, some day (preferably after I have and raise children) (oh, that's the other thing, I'm a huge advocate of stay at home moms) work with dogs.  It would actually be fantastic if I could get something started before I have children, so I can gain a reputation, then after my kids are grown, I can get back into it full force.

I'm not entirely sure of what I would like to do... However, I do know that it somehow has to be artistic.  My latest plan is to do something with animal photography.   One big problem, though.. I only have a point and shoot camera.  I mean, I had a great photo shoot with my sister's dogs not too long ago with my point and shoot camera, but it doesn't really look professional if I were to ask strangers if I can shoot their dogs with a point and shoot.

So that's my number one dilemma..
My number two dilemma is that I somehow along the way lost my social skills.  It might have something to do with dropping out of school and gaining some extra weight... I really think my low self-esteem is a big factor.

For some reason I just fear people now.  I know fear is not from God, and I shouldn't let it over power me, but it's just so hard when I don't even know how it happened.  It's like one day I just woke up and was afraid to go outside (well, not that bad, but you get the idea).
A lot of that also has to do with the fact that I've lost all of my friends.  Sure, I still have a "technical" friend, Phil. And I know that him and Kristina would do anything for me and vice-versa.  My fears are even keeping me away from them.  And sure, Carson has friends, but we just don't really click.. so I'm nice to them anyway, and I can tell that they are just nice to me because I'm his wife.. but it's like, I feel like I need something more than that.  There are people from my past that I really truly miss, but we are just so different now that it's almost impossible for us to even be in the same room with each other anymore.

Anyway, I digress... as far as starting my own business goes, I just don't seem to have the personality for it.  I have tried starting my own cleaning business, that fell through (luckily I have my mom's to fall back on), I started doing pet portraits, I even advertised on craigslist, and on my myspace and facebook, but nothing..
Here are two examples of dog portraits:

I showed my old graphic design teacher some of my paintings and photos of dogs and she gave me some helpful tips, but I just haven't really had the motivation to start over.  It seems I'm just not a good "front man" for a business.  I suck at advertising and marketing. So.. This little business idea of mine is now just turning into a hobby, well, an almost non existent hobby lately as I have run out of animals to take pictures of... I would ask strangers but that's where my fear of talking to people comes into play, as well as my "unprofessionalism".

I think my biggest thing is lack of self confidence. In EVERYTHING.
I feel like I really need a change.. It would be fantastic if I could lose like 20 pounds in like a week.. but that's not going to happen.
Maybe I'll cut my hair.. That's another idea I have been toying with lately... Changing my hair.  It just took me so long to grow out and it was such a pain most of the time until I got it to where I wanted it.  But now I'm just not satisfied with it..

Not really the best photo,
but it's the most recent one
I have showing the length.

Maybe it is time to cut it.  Hmm..

Wow, long blog today. Guess there was more going through my brain than I even knew about.

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