Sunday, May 1, 2011

One of Those Nights

Well, it's one of those nights again...
Where I can't seem to fall asleep, or at least calm my brain enough to lay peacefully in bed at all.  Quite a few things have happened this week to disturb my mind back into a place I have worked very hard to crawl out of. First of all, the death of David Wilkerson, now the death of Osama bin Ladin, death just seems to be the topic of the week... Not to mention this week has been the absolute worst for my marriage.  We have been having some troubles for a while now, but it all seemed to come to a head this week.. In church today the pastor spoke about crying out to God for help in impossible situations, and how no matter how difficult the situation if you cry for help God will answer you.  It was a very good sermon and it really spoke to me and hit home, but now I just can't shake this overwhelming fear and disturbance in my peace tonight.

In the past year or so I have had a rather unusual issue of thinking pretty much every day about death and dying and how all of us, no matter who you are, are going to face a tragedy of some kind and die.  Even knowing what comes afterward, I still for some reason am incredibly unsettled about this fact.  It's something that really pulls at me from the inside and I am just no ok with it.  I will lose sleep over it, and not eat over it, it's a terrible feeling of helplessness and hopelessness.  When I told Carson about this a long time ago, he replied with, "of course you're not ok with death, people were not designed to die originally. Death is not what we were made for, it's a foreign experience to us brought on by our own original sin."  And that makes perfect since to me, and I appreciate him telling me my feelings are normal, however it still doesn't make me feel any better about it all. It makes me angry and sad and confused and frustrated. Most people would say that if death is inevitable and you know it's going to happen anyway no matter what, then what's the point of worrying about it.. The thing is, it's not the ending of life in this world that I'm worried about so much, I know what comes after this life and I am not afraid of it.. what does set right with me is death itself, the process and the pain of our bodies being overcome by whatever it is that will take our lives... That's what I just can't seem to get out of my mind and what I just can't bring myself to accept as something that just HAS to happen...

I know I probably sound like a crazy person rambling on and on about something so morbid.. but it's a morbid night for me for some reason.. I had trouble falling back asleep last night when I was awoken randomly at 4 am and now tonight I can't get myself to go to sleep to begin with...
I really do hate when this happens.  It is the worst feeling.

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